NEW BLOG :)

It has been way over a month since I blogged, and I thought to myself today that today would be a great day to do that. I am so busy with getting my Mom's 50th Surprise Birthday together, which is so much fun. It has been a long journey for Mom and I, and in a lot of ways I am so glad that she is has helped me become the person I am. There have been a lot of times in my life where I felt sad or alone, or at least had some kind of bump in the road, and she is always there to pull me out somehow, not to say that my friends aren't there cause they certainly are and I know that. I guess you think about things a lot differently as you get older, it's not to say that you don't you care when your younger, you just don't appreciate it as much. The beginning of this year has been absolute hell for me, getting ou of a horrible abusive relationship, and without people like my Mom, and some of my good friends, I just don't know where I would be, I know that she will be surprised.

Moving onto the highlights of my life, I know it seems exciting. I was listening to a podcast with Catherine Hickland, and she does these seminar about being positive and letting those negative things go, and she also has that 30 day heartbreak cure book out on the market, and she is a very sweet person. I am just wondering if she makes that book in installments, like a 45, 90, or 180 day heartbreak cure, because I think we all need some of those LOL. I have put off my podcast for a long time as well, and people still ask me when its coming back, or when do I plan to do it, and honestly I want to, but at the moment, it just seems like that isn't in the puzzle of what my plans are at the moment, but I will leave the site up for a while, until I am ready, because when I get back into something I go full force and who knows by the fall I may be ready once again.

Yesterday was the 35th anniversary of "Ryan's Hope" it was a legendary soap opera and I made so many friends from that show, like the wonderful Louise Shaffer, who is probably like another mother to me, but more importantly a really special friend. I mean we could probably go through an entire cake and three or four pots of coffee and just chat. She is so magnificent that way, but I have made other friends from that show as well, and last year I had a lunch with Claire Labine at the Carnegie Deli in NYC, and it was nice, but I have known her for years, its just ashame that when SOAPNET goes away there is no outlet for it so I am hoping that someone releases it on DVD, like they did with "Dark Shadows", cause it is a sort of a show that has a cult following.

Since the beginning of July I am now over the crisis of being 29 and I am in full acceptance with it as long as people keep on coming up to me and saying oh I thought you were 24 or 25 that is nice, so keep those compliments coming people they help out a lot. It is a new journey for me in a lot of ways though, I am single, I am focusing on me and what I want and its nice for a change to come home and not have any confrontations or have to worry about anything. It is also nice to go out with friends and hang out as well. In a lot of ways I am learning how to be single, it isn't easy I guess you just have to go and do it, and then people from your past show up and you are amazed and surprised to see them, and then you embrace them and make them a part of your everyday life, at least that is what is happening for me. I am beginning to understand what it takes to make a relationship work and getting to know someone in depth takes time, but it is something I guess we all have, and when its a go it will be great.

So really I am just glad to go and see a lot of my family members and people I haven't seen in years at my Moms party and my friend Joe is coming with me so it is going to be so great. So I will keep everyone posted on how it went... so closing this blog for now but I will come back and do more, instead of waiting a month... LOL

Wonderful Wednesday

Today is Wednesday and I was thinking about a lot of stuff before hitting the 29 mark, the last of the twenties, things that I have learned about myself and am continuing to learn. First thing is first you can't change people, if there is anything that I can take from my twenties is that you can't make someone into something that you want them to be, as I have mentioned before my ex, was someone who I tried to change and help him become more of a better person, and without really understanding him, I just tried and tried and I was so unsuccessful, but the good thing is that I realize it and can move on successfully. The second thing that I realized is be glad that I have a job, I mean yes there are many jobs that are hiring, but there could be hundreds of people out there gunning for the same job your after, so you can't be hasty or greedy, and just up and quit you gotta be professional always in this world, cause professionalism works for you, not against you. Be glad that you have a great family and good friends for moral support and use them, don't abuse them, try to make time when you can, cause they can get you out of those really nasty times in your life, when your screaming in the mirror "WHY ME?" and I am sure that all of us have been there in our lives at any given moment.

I went to sleep last night and I had my little puppy dog WINK sleeping next to me, and of course he was snuggling and snoring, but I thought you know, he can tell when I am feeling blue about life, and a couple of kisses later from him he takes away all that saddness that I may have been feeling. I mean I know he won't be around forever, but each day that he is around makes it nice. I also have been watching my "Little House on the Prairie" DVD collection, and there are so many messages from it, if there is any show that really inspires me to become more of a decent human being it is those. I really love them, and in a lot of ways I wish Michael Landon was there to give me a talkin to.

So looking forward to the middle of the week, with my head held high, and when the day hits and it is my birthday, I know whatever I wish, may be a little high, but I can know that I am very lucky to have the things that I already have, and its really nice to know and appreciate what you have now, then what you don't have.

Suddenly Monday

First of all what a crazy weekend at my job, but at least it was good, it always is a blast to work with people you like, because if not then you get to despise them. What is a good thing to know is what kind of friends you can and cannot count on. I have some really cool friends, that I know when times are tough they help me get out of any blue mood I am in. I mean I literally still have to adjust but I am almost there, I see things a little clearer now. As I was at my job last night polishing plates with this persian girl I work with, she told me that I would be a dream date, and I said to her, I just got out of an abusive relationship and that I really wasn't looking for anything, she told me you need some one to treat you like a god. I thought about that for a moment and realized, is there someone out there like this, and can you find someone in the gay community that really isn't a drinker or into drugs, and someone that I can completely trust. I feel there are good guys out there, so yes I know that we all have had some sort of experience of finding someone out there who was or what we thought the one for us, but sometimes you just can't see clear enough to all the warning signs that make them not really for you, so now my eyes are focused and the rose colored glasses are off so I can see now, thank God.

The beat goes on I guess they say, I am moving forward with the hope of meeting prince charming one day, and not his evil step brother. LOL. Oh well. One thing I do know is that I don't need someone to complete me, I feel that I am the most important thing to me, that it would have to be someone to compliment me than complete me, but I feel that we are all searching for someone special in our lives to wake up to in the morning and know that with them the day will go a lot smoother by your side.

I get to this page in my life where I think about these couples that last forever like my maternal grandma and grandfather, I just hope that I am lucky enough to share with someone what they had, a great friendship and a loving family, and most of all what I think is complete happiness.

Finally Friday

So today is Friday, for most the end of the work week, for me the beginning of the work week, LOL! It is something that I have survived in the restaurant industry for so long. I probably started out real honory, but I have mellowed significantly over the years. One of the reasons that I feel that I have mellowed, is that I realized that where else can you make cash money, and without having all of these taxes taken out on the spot. It isn't something that I want to do forever, but it works for now.

As I am beginning to realize what matters most to me after a lengthy conversation with my Mom last night, I know that in order to move on in life you have to forward and not go backwards. It is hard to do, especially when everyone around you knows that you have suffered from something that was so traumatic in many ways. It is always good to know that you are loved and that people are there to offer support, but you still would like to say to these people, I don't think you get the whole picture, I mean you weren't in my shoes for almost 3 1/2 years, and you weren't the one trying to keep it together for someone you believed in. It feels like a fractured fairy tale, you meet prince charming, and he turns out to be an absolute villan in your life. It's like eating the poison apple slowly, until you choke and realize it is after all poisonous.

The other day someone said to me it was a mistake for you to move to NYC, but then I thought about it more and more, and to me it wasn't, because I made really good life long friends out of it, and that to me is something that I can at least take out of it. I could have arranged to stay there somehow, but it just seemed like a good idea to get back with people that I knew I could count on and support, so here I am.

My birthday is in two weeks, my brother's is today, and then I have to get to mine, I really haven't put much thought into it. I mean it's not a milestone, I am only going to be 29, it is the last of the twenties for me. It is the first birthday of freedom of not being in such a bad relationship, and I am much happier and can look forward to what I can do to stand out amongst others who get into their thirties, without no goals or direction. My Mom told me that just think how far ahead you will be when you hit the 30 mark, you will be like Mary Tyler Moore you will make it after all, and you know what I feel that, but for now I will enjoy the last two weeks of being 28, and get geared up for 29, and then totally focus on the 30 mark.

Another Day

It's not like I don't understand what its like to be single, I get it and yes I am not upset about it, the thing is what to do when you are single and regaining your indepence. So that is what I am doing regaining my independence. It is off to a good start, I am extremely busy. Not to say that I don't realize what has happend to me, I am just the type of person to keep it moving, and in many ways I feel like that is a good thing. You know when you have the free time, you can get caught up in those you have lost, or things you should have done, and feel really bad for yourself, so now I just don't have a moment to do that, I know eventually after all is said and done, I still may think about it from time to time.

But positive things are happening, I mean they should after what I have been through, I mean an abusive relationship, living with an alcoholic, someone I thought I knew in the beginning, and instantly changed into this monster that I spent a majority of my time with. I mean thinking about it makes you almost sick, and a lot of people say that you should have been out of there a long time ago, and they were absolutely right. In a way when you love someone, you want them to change, so you keep on trying until you give up, and start focusing on the thing that matters most which is you.

So for today, the positive thoughts are in my mind of what I am accomplishing and hope to accomplish in the next few months, if I ever read back on these past blogs, I can realize how far I have come.

A New Day a New Beginning

A relationship coming to an end can be a blessing but at first you don't realize it. You are still dealing with a lot of anger and pain that was caused during it and after it. For me realizing that after a 3 1/2 year relationship comes to an end, you start to wonder what I could do differently that could have saved it, could I have been the problem, and then you come to the conclusion that you are not the problem. I know that all of these things are constantly running through my mind.

For me writing this particular blog is now a way for me to get it all out there and let the healing process begin. I met a particular guy through a friend, the relationship went to fast and in many ways, I knew it, but it just looked so good at the time that he seemed charming, and very honest that for me it seemed like this was the guy that I felt I would spend the rest of my life with.

A friend once told me that there was something that she didn't trust about him, and you know I just ignored her. I think we all do that, not to say we don't love and trust our friends, but sometimes we have our own set of feelings that get in the way and we just do what we think is best no matter what anyone thinks, and now I feel like even though I may have lost a friend out of it, it isn't so bad, because now I can go make peace and regain that friend but it will be a while till I can come to terms and do that, because I am still closing one book and opening another slowly. Instead of driving down the interstate of romance at 65 mph, I am driving at 25 mph, yes its slow but who says you have to drive like a maniac to get with someone.

Beginning everyday sometimes I know for me is a challenge, you are still facing the single life, getting back to the point where your saying, oh I am now planning a vacation, but it will be by yourself. Your friends are asking you to come out, but you don't want to be the third wheel, so you decline. You know you have to tell people in the simplest way, oh by the way I am single, but you don't want to list all the reasons why, because you feel embarrassed and ashamed. So what you do is you throw yourself into work or some crazy project, where you won't have to face it for now, and then eventually you can tell people what happend. So this is where I am and believe me I have more to tell.